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bridgette was never this confused or the word for the day is 'grrr'
after reading Bridge (yes, everything in next few days will revolve around this book), i've decided i pay an extrodinarily small amount of attention to myself. not to say that i dont worry about if i sound stupid or look incompetent, but i dont remember the last time i stared in the mirror and thought...well, anything other than, ok, mascara stop gooping. none of this ohmygosh, need more makeup, need better clothes, must lose weight, insert girly moan here. and yet, despite this apparantly calm confident reflection, i'm not all that fond of myself anymore. i annoy myself, i keep forgetting things, and i find myself berating this ditzyness rather often. i think i liked it better when i was confident in my intellect and insecure about my reflection. why the sudden shift? is the insecurity brought on a breeching of an important friendship? is it in reponse to my roomate's efforts to constantly look perfect or the other roomate's efforts to constantly be thin or the other roomate's ability to be constantly cute. is it simply this unshakable case of PMS that is haunting my remembering faculties? Could be the sudden feelings of vulnerability caused by the certainty that i shared too much with someone, someone who now behaves horribly to me and others i love. this someone knows things few people know, helped me through crying bursts that few have witnessed. and now she hates us. grr. how could i share such things with someone so hateful? what was i thinking? grrr...this just piles onto my past trust issues. Yes, this is definately reason for current insecurity. am feeling vulnerable in own home, feel conspired against. grr.- on 2003-01-13 at 10:25 a.m.
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